Professor Layton and the Sexy Vampires Gone Wild
by ThinkingCAPSLOCK
Summary: The professor is interrupted during his afternoon tea by the sudden appearance of Legal!Luke and Don Paolo. Suddenly, young Luke and Flora appear, but is everything as it seems? No. Will the professor ever manage to finish his tea? Possibly.


**Professor Layton and the Sexy Vampires Gone Wild**

One day, Professor Layton was enjoying his tea outside his University—Earl's School of Butter. The sun was shining high in the sky, reflecting beams of super powerful light into the windows with the UV rays and stuff. Looking up, he spotted a familiar face across the way. It was Legal!Luke! wearing a stylishly cut blue suit jacket, a dapper blue cap, red capris and a rainbow bow tie—because bow ties are cool.

"My word!" said the professor, tapping his lip pensively and sexily all at the same time. "That's a terrible fashion choice."

Legal! approached the scene, skipping down the flower lined path gaily. The professor knew something was wrong immediately—his puzzle senses tingled vaguely in a kind of erotic way.

"What's happened in the future?" the professor asked worriedly, a crease forming between his immaculately plucked eyebrows. "Has Don Paolo taken over?" He tipped his hat over his eyes with one hand in fret, caressing his teacup sexily with the other.

"No, professor," Legal! said calmly with a wave of a slender hand. "Nothing quite _that_ serious." He paused for what seemed like an eternity. "But…I do have something to tell you."

"What is it, my boy?" the professor asked sexily.

"I'm…gay," said Legal! bashfully.

"Professor! Professor!" A squeaky voice exploded in an ear-raping burst of annoyance.

"Oh no! It's my past self! Paradox!" Legal! sang, disappearing in a puff of rainbow coloured purple smoke.

"_That was strange_," the professor thought. And then he never thought again, he thought.

"Professor! Professor Laaaaayton!"

"Yes, Luke, my boy?" he replied, smiling THAT GORGEOUS SMILE OF HIS.

"Professor Laaaaayton! If pepper spray four P's and two E's how many heffalumps does it take to rob a convenience store?"

"What have you been smoking, my boy?" the professor asked somewhat concernedly except not at all.

"Professor! Would you read me a bedtime story?"

"It's not bedtime yet. In fact, it's only two pm. Time for tea! A true gentleman always leaves time for tea."

"BUT PROFESSOR I WANT A BEDT—"

"SHUT UP LUKE!" shouted Legal!, who had appeared moments previously in some vague and unexplained fashion. His bowtie remained cool but slightly askew.

"BUT PROFESSELF HOLY SHIT IS THAT ME?" young Luke erupted.

"Yes," Legal! said douchedly.

"I SURE AM SEXY WHEN I'M GROWN UP, PROFESSOR!" young Luke said fondling his suspenders timidly.

"Yes. Yes you are," said the professor, licking his chapped lips. "Very sexy."

"That's something we can all agree on," said Legal! still douchedly.

It was then that Don Paolo burst onto the scene, brandishing his moustache unsexily in a sexy sort of way. He grabbed young Luke by the neck and shook him like a rooster. A jetback ruptured his suit from behind and flame shot out the back, propelling him into the air.

"If you want to see this child again, you must kiss that boy over there for twelve minutes, Layton!" Don Paolo said evilly and sort of sexily at the same time.

"What?" said Layton calmly.

"I'm up for that, _Professor_," said Legal! with a sly grin plastered smarmily across his douchey face.

"You're in on this too, aren't you, Legal!" the professor gasped.

"You caught me there, professor," Legal! said running his hands down his vest and pants. "And now it's time to catch me here."

Professor Layton found himself disturbed, but also somehow…aroused.

"Let me help, Professor!" Luke squawked from above.

"Looks like this is one ride…" the professor said, taking off the sunglasses he was suddenly wearing, "…only those above the approved height can take. YEAAAAHHHHHH!"

"That was a terrible joke, Professor!" Luke choked meaningfully.

"I thought it was quite punny," said Legal! with a douchey wink. "But I'm getting rather impatient, professor… We have to do this for Luke's sake-and I don't mean the little one." He chortled sexily.

"Anything for my dear Luke," the professor said resignedly in an excited way.

"Wait! Professor! Stop!" drifted a voice. With that single word, the professor's heart stopped.

"Hrrgkkk," said the professor heart-attackedly.

"Flora!" said Legal!, his douchey eyes widening in shock.

"Professor!" Flora cried. "I'm…I'm a _vampire_!"

"Hrrgkk?" moaned the professor as he fell to his knees, trembling.

"Oh, I knew you'd understand!" Flora said, clasping her skinny t-rex reminiscent arms around him. "You're so wonderful!"

"No!" Legal! shouted, grabbing Flora's collar and flinging her to the side in the direction of the floating Don Paolo. "The professor is mine! Didn't you hear him? _Anything_ for his Luke!"

"Hghhg," the professor coughed, writhing on the cobbled ground. "He..r…ttack…"

"I need blood!" Flora shrieked, lunging unexpectedly at Legal! who fell douchedly backwards under her negative amount of weight. She ripped his rainbow bow-tie—which was still cool—from his neck and tore open his shirt, revealing Legal!'s OMGNAKED chest! (Which was totally toned and almost sparkly except not because he was not a vampire like Flora)

"No! I don't date girls!" Legal! verbally vomited at her in disgust. "They're _icky_!"

"I sure am a douche," said young Luke, now completely unaware of Don Paolo's sausage-like fingers around his throat because of adaptation (haha psychology class).

"Hrhgh," grunted the professor sweatily in agreement.

"Help me, professor!" Legal! gasped as Flora punctured his tender neckflesh in one fluid biting motion. He cried out in agony, mourning the loss of his neck virginity to a woman that was not the professor.

"Ghh," the professor moaned at last and fell still.

"You haven't kissed him for twelve minutes yet!" cackled Don Paolo. "I won't let you off so easily, Laytonnn!" He swooped down like a falcon hawk vulture and kicked Layton square in the dangly bits.

"I LIVE," gasped Layton calmly. "Why the fuck didn't you help me? I was obviously having a heart attack! Why did no one call the ambulance?"

"I called Scotland Yard, professor!" Luke said, dangling from Don Paolo's sexy fistgrip. "I helped!"

"You were of no help to me, Luke," said the professor, adjusting his top hat which had miraculously not fallen off.

"Help has four letters in it, professor!" Luke screeched, kicking his legs in the air. "Did you know that if you have four toes on four feet there are sixteen toes and four people with a birth defect or terrible accidents in their past!"

"No, Luke. There would only be two people," corrected the professor gently. "You have to look at things at a different angle sometimes. I'm going to have to take five picarats for that."

"Gee, thanks professor! But you know, it's kind of hard to look at things at a different angle when there's no blood left in your brain—oh god professor, I can't see anymore all the black dots are closing in—"

"Shut up, Luke. You're not Hamlet," the professor scolded.

With a mighty heftthrustgrunt, Legal! shoved Flora the vampire to the side. "Er, professor—it may be in my best interest that you don't let him die."

"Screw you!" said Flora, kicking him square in the manhood.

"At…at least…I don't…have…chesticles…" he gurgled, writhing about on the stones.

Flora pulled out her pristine black fedora and placed it over her dainty head like an Italian mobster. "Imma get this done," she growled in a most un-Flora like growl. "Bitches be messin with Scotland Yard all up in mah grill!" And with that, she pulled a hint coin shooting machine-gun out from under her poofy skirt. "Take that, Don Fucker!" she shouted, pulling the trigger and firing at will.

"NOOOOOO!" Don Paolo puked sexily as hint coins rained piercingly against his body.

"YOU'RE THE WORST PROFESSOR EVER, FLORA!" Luke hoarsely shouted as he fell at last from Don Paolo's iron mangrasp.

"Luke!" The professor dashed with inhuman and almost vampire-like speed towards the falling youngster. He skidded across the enchanting British cobblestones into place. Luke drifted daintily into his outstretched manly embrace.

"Oh, Professor!" Luke sobbed. "She wasted all those hint coins!"

"I know, Luke," the professor said placidly. "We'll have to smack a bitch when we get home."

"Yay! Do I get to chose the beatstick?" Luke questioned happily.

"Yes, Luke," the professor said calmly.

"Can it be a BAAASSEEEBALL bat?" Luke shrieked.

"Anything you want, my boy," Luke replied.

"Rughghhlle…Professor…" Legal! moaned from the tea terrace. "I…can never…owwww what the fuck did she do to me…."

"I AM NO SHE!" shouted Flora, tearing off her dress to reveal a manly manchest of manly chesthair. "I AM CHEMLEY!"

"Don't you mean 'Chelmey'?" Legal! groaned.

"No, I'm dyslexic when I speak!" Chemley replied.

"Oh, no! Jostephin!" the professor ran to Legal!, cradling his wounded body in his arms.

"Oh, professor…" Legal! said weakly. "I think…I think I'm turning into a sexy vampire."

"As long as you're gay, you'll always be _my_ vampire," the professor replied sweetly.

"Oh, professor…how I've longed to hear those sexy words come sexily from your sexy mouth," said Legal!, caressing the professor's manly face with his slender digits.

"Shh, don't speak," said the professor. "And call me 'Hershel'."

"Oh, Hershel…"

"Are you deaf? I just told you not to speak."

"But Professor—"

"Shut up, Luke, I just told you not to—"

"I believe that was my younger self," Legal! said vampirishily as he chuckled darkly to his innermost angsty sexy vampire self.

"But Professor!" young Luke repeated. "What am I to do with all this _pudding_?" He motioned boyishly to the mountainous stack of pudding that had been there all along but no one had noticed.

"Now we can have our fun and eat it, too," the professor said slyly with a sexy wink. "Now we can eat it, too." He paused, frowning slightly sexily. "And by 'we' I mean just me."

"Oh professor!" young Luke laughed. The Professor laughed also. Legal! gurgled in pain and suffering and sexy vampire angst. Chemley just walked away glumly and nakedly at his lack of spelling of his own name. (Also pronunciation)

Luke ran over to his older self and stroked his own face lovingly. "Oh…me," he said narcissistically. "I've always loved you!"

"Your young blood appeals to me," Legal! hissed sexily. "I must suck you…_dry._ And I don't mean your blood!"

"That sounds as exciting as BASEBAALLLL!" young Luke replied.

Professor Layton stood off to the side fingering his stirstick. A true gentleman always comes prepared…and prepares to come. Layton watched his apprentice get it on with himself and found this pleasurable to his burning member.

Legal! yearned to fondle his youthful form, uncaring as to the years of mental trauma it would undoubtedly incur. Ah, the therapy. He remembered the therapy.

Young Luke's moans of desire brought him back to vampire earth. "No!" he exclaimed unwillingly. "You're not tall enough to get on this ride! The professor was right!"

Layton, watching from a distance, frowned. A true gentleman never fucks little boys. He raised a hand. "Jostephin! Come here. You've been very naughty as a little boy—it's time at last to punish you. Because you're legal now, if you didn't quite catch my drift."

"Yes, professor!" Legal! cried gratefully. "Punish me!"

"Yes." Layton removed his top hat which he never does but no one saw what was underneath due to strategically placed camera angles and pulled out a large amount of pudding cups. He licked the pudding cup lasciviously until it was empty. He held it out to his former protégé. "Don't forget to use protection! A gentleman _always_ uses protection."

"Hershel, you should have known you would teach me well. I _did_ come prepared," Legal! said, reaching into hammerspace and pulling out a large, firm banana.

"A firm banana?" Layton asked.

"Better firm than mushy," Legal! replied, licking the Banana's length in its entirety.

Young Luke watched from a distance, lonely from the sudden lack of intimacy. He was about to approach his older self and beloved professor when he saw a book of bedtime stories off to the side. A book of bedtime stories…about BAAAASEBALL! The call of the baseball was too strong, and he found himself quickly engulfed in the batting stats of the 1912 Cougar Cubs in Moscow.

Meanwhile, the sexing was progressing speedily between Legal! and the professor.

"Oh Hershel, edumacate me good, dammit!" Legal! exclaimed.

"That's quite the erogenous sentence, my boy," Layton replied. "I will have to erectify it."

Finally, Legal! sexily pulled down his pants. "Who's on top?"

"This reminds me of a puzzle," Layton said with an impish smile. "A very sexy puzzle."


End file.
